Friday, January 30, 2015

Social Anxiety Induced Mini-Stroke part 2

 
My social comfort at parties began at a young age.

Kristen and I were out one day and found some calling cards you could give out that said, "Please stop talking." Which got me thinking that what my cousin and I need are calling cards that say:
 
Please START talking.
 (At some point I'll join in and in a lame attempt at wittiness, say something awkward and disjointed.)
 
 
Too long? How about:
 
Talk. Now. Please?
 


Or:
 
Yes, I really am this tall. No I did not play basketball or volleyball.
 
 
Okay, that one is for my cousin. She is fabulously tall and gorgeous. The two of us going out is like Igor and Giselle Bundchen having a night on the town. I sort of feel like I should be clutching to the hem of her dress while I drag one leg behind me. The fact that she is tall seems to both attract and baffle men. She's quite beautiful, so men come up and talk to her, but can't seem to talk about anything other than her height. Like she has any control of her height. It would be like coming up to someone and discussing the fact that they have arms or legs or a face...or elbows. Let me explain how the conversations usually go...but I'll replace any height reference with the word "elbows."
 
Man: Wow...you really have elbows.
 
Cousin: Yes. (Her patience for these conversations is spectacular.)
 
Man: With those elbows you must play basketball!
 
Cousin: Nope.
 
Man: Volleyball? (Clearly thinking..."she has elbows, how could she not at least play volleyball?!")
 
Cousin: Nope, no volleyball either.
 
Me: Hey look at me! Look at me! I'm down here!!
 
OR....there are the men that like to argue with her about her height...again substituting elbows.
 
Man: You must have more than two elbows...what do you have like three elbows?
 
Cousin: No...just two.
 
Man: No, really...You say you only have two but that can't be right.
 
Me: Here, take this card....it says, "Please stop talking."
 
I do admit that I'm impressed with their courage to come up and talk to her. I like watching the whole thing unfold. First, they casually walk by from a distance and check her out, and decide whether or not they want to come in for a closer look...which they do, because she's rather amazing. Then the fun really begins. She is busy chatting with me and trying to keep herself from randomly tossing her beverage my way, so she doesn't usually notice the series of ever shrinking laps they take in an effort to get closer to her. There is always the slow circling approach...like sharks, before they come in for the killer conversation. Perhaps my (least) favorite was the man who circled in right up to me and said, "Hey, know any tall blondes?" Which made me realize those "Please stop talking" cards really do have  place in society. Now I could have responded with something witty, but, thanks to my inability to be clever, flirtatious or charming in front of single men, even ones like him, I believe I said something like, "Her?" Your welcome, dear cousin, your welcome.
 
When people say or do odd things it often catches me so off guard I temporarily freeze or say something unexpected. One day at work a man in the cafeteria ran his fingers through my hair and said something slightly creepy. So what did I do? Just stood there, dumbfounded, thinking, "He is touching my hair! Why is his hand in my hair?" I never actually said anything to him - like, GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY HAIR! I just stood there. When I was in 6th grade a flasher came up to me and said, "Want some?" to which I replied, "No, thank you." and ran away. On the plus side, all of my mother's efforts to train polite children really came shining through in a crisis....at least I had the sense to run away.
 
Anyway, I felt like I somehow should have been able to protect her from "know any tall blondes" guy, instead of just mumbling and gesturing in her direction. Especially since he went on to discuss why she couldn't be the height she claimed to be since he thought he was so incredibly tall. (Which he wasn't.) At one point it was all I could do to not laugh out loud as I listened to him explain why she was taller than she claimed. He was quite the debater. Shockingly, this did not help him in the way of getting any kind of contact information for her...so he went back to circling the room.
 
And so, cousin and I have learned that this is, perhaps, not the venue in which we are going to be making any new friends. Fortunately, I have my genius calling card idea that can fill my non-existent spare time in which I fantasize about having a social life.
 
On a more serious note, the beautiful thing about my "life is full of miracles" realization (go back two posts), is that I'm not worried about my current inability to have any kind of dating life. Before my paradigm shift I felt as though things wouldn't ever improve...I just had to endure. But now I know that Heavenly Father wants good things for me and the hopes I have will happen. (Some things I thought weren't possible have all ready started to change!) Cousin and I will continue to try different ways to meet people and will eventually find one that fits who we are and the way we think. But, in the meantime, I will keep you apprised of our adventures.
 
 
 
 
 


2 comments:

Jill said...

That picture of you as a child is so awesome!!!

I like your calling card idea, but think the men are so mentally challenged they wouldn't understand what the card was trying to tell them.

Poor Lisa, those height conversations must be so annoying.

michelle said...

What the?! Those conversations are ridiculous!

And you are NOT Igor.