Thursday, April 4, 2013

Let's Find Joy in Rejection

I had a plan. It seemed like a good, maybe even great plan. Go back to school, get a couple more degrees, actually be able to support myself while working with children (something I love.) I worked hard, thought I did well, but apparently I didn't let the right people know about their role in the plan and so here I sit, with two rather not useful Bachelor's Degrees....and me without a Plan B. I'm now a Jack of all trades, master of none sort of gal. Hmmm....so my questions are these: 1) This is America, so there must be someone I can sue, right? 2) Is the Law of Attraction real and I somehow sabotaged myself? 3) Can I in someway blame math? (I really hate math...I just feel like it should take some of the blame.) Let's answer these in reverse order, because math deserves to go first.

First, can I blame math? Yes, yes I can. (Feel free to blame math for your life woes, as well. When you get upset scream, "MATH!" instead of swearing. It will make you feel better.) Yes, in spite of the courageous efforts of my fabulous math tutor who left my house on the verge of tears more than once, I did not fare well on the math section of the GRE. Ironically, there are NO math requirements for the Master's Degree in Speech Pathology...but they still look at your math scores. Since I have not taken math since my junior year in high school, I was more than a little rusty. I'll admit it, I have a fear of math. I am Michelle and I have mathematical anxiety. (This is a real thing. I looked it up on wikipedia. Everything on the internet is real.) Math makes me cringe, like spiders and snakes make other people cringe. I have a physical reaction to math...particularly algebra. Arithmetic I am very good at...in fact I was able to do a lot of the bookkeeping and accounting when I ran a business. AND there weren't any spots in QuickBooks where I put, "The balance is $X...just trust me." I think, considering my disability of mathematical anxiety, this is impressive. Never the less, it is something I am blaming for my inability to get into grad school. (By the way, my sister and I are both postally impaired. I just thought I would mention this so you would know that I am a well rounded unstable person. We will discuss that at another time. I'm still working on the wikipedia entry for that.)

Next, is the Law of Attraction real? I would like to think no...wait...yes...well, maybe, shoot did I just mess up my life? This is my reasoning for no: there have never been any monsters under my bed. Despite the fact that, as a child, I had to check under my bed every night because I was convinced there was a monster...there never was. Not even my brother trying to scare me. Just random dusty socks. I spent a great deal of time thinking about the monster lurking under my bed, there were even carefully drawn pictures and yet I was never able to conjure him up. Whew. Now, is there power in imagining yourself at your goal? Absolutely! Should you use that to keep yourself motivated to work hard and do everything possible to achieve that goal? YES! But...did the little bits of doubt (What will I do for a living if this doesn't work out?!) that lingered in my brain destroy everything else? Maybe...I hope not. Oh, Math it! (See it's a great curse replacement.)

Lastly, as an American, I should be able to come up with someone to sue for real life happening to me. Maybe the university? How dare they receive hundreds of applications and not pick mine! That doesn't work. I know, there must be a way to sue the government. If I'm to understand the posts I see on facebook, the government is either supposed to control everything or just make sure that nothing bad ever happens to anyone...ever- either way there has to be a case here. My neighbor is an attorney...I'm totally getting him on this.

In all seriousness, I still have no Plan B, but it's not all bad. For the past two years, even though I have been working and going to school I have been able to spend a lot of time with my kids. More than I was ever able to running a business. That alone, makes this worthwhile. I also have had the privilege of working with a group of special education students that I am completely smitten with. Life is not easy for these kids. There are a lot of outbursts, tantrums, and heartaches...but they give the most sincere compliments, the best hugs, and more than anything, they keep trying. I gave myself permission to spend yesterday wallowing, but today I'm moving on. One thing I do know is that the Lord has a plan for me and I look forward to the day when I can look back and see how this helped me get where I needed to be.