Saturday, July 14, 2012

The HORROR that is Online Dating

Oh, boy. What sort of scary place have I paid to enter? Let us discuss.

Yesterday and today I have been on a road trip. My girls are fantastic travelers. For this I'm very grateful. Nicole loves to ride shotgun and spout out random facts (?) to me such as: Did you know it's easier to pee when you're cold? (I did not know, and I am not sure how such a thing would be verified. Please don't explain it to me if you know.) Kristen pretty much spends the entire time asleep in the back cuddled up to her phone and Ipod, the teddy bears of the teenage world. In between my random fact education, provided by Nicole, I had a chance to ponder online dating.

In case you were wondering, I should probably start by telling you I am a huge hit with the medicare crowd. That's right....If you are over 60 then I am the gal for you. This would be lovely if I were 20 years older, but I had a hard enough time turning 40, I'm not ready for 60 quite yet. I think if the man is closer in age to my parents than to me than there's a good chance we just won't be able to relate to each other.

I'm also fairly popular with the "happy to be on parole" individuals. Okay, I don't actually know that they are on parole...but appearances can be telling. I mean, if people are trying to find a mate, or even just looking to make new friends, you figure they will put one of their favorite photos on their page and some of these are scary. Look, I realize I'm no hottie, but I don't think people will gasp in horror when they see my picture. (Although, they may giggle and turn away.)

Topping the pictures in great blog fodder are the user names and introductions. I won't focus on the spelling and grammar errors, which are plentiful, but merely the content. (I'm not trying to be snobby. I make errors too, but when a 40-something year old man uses "u" instead of you or "n" instead of and I begin to wonder if a teenage girl has written the intro for them.) Moving option number 1's intro:  "I don't drive a tractor, but I wish I did." That's it. That is apparently all you need to know to fall head over heels with "ibegood2u." (I think that was his user name.) Block from future searches please. Next, candidate (drum roll please), "I am an outgoing, happy go lucky guy. I can get obsessive and sit outside your house waiting to get a glimpse of you!" Please bless that this is a joke. Block. Block, block, block, block, block. Bachelor number 3: "I am fairly calm and deliberate, so I tend to get along with most anybody in this world. But I truly 'connect' with a pretty select - 'high brow' - few. How are your brows?" According to my niece, my brows are stunning....NEXT! "I'm quite the handsome guy. I haven't posted a picture yet because I don't want to break any hearts. Just looking into my deep blues, they'd pierce through and into your'd get lost." Are you getting the idea? Bachelor number 4 (I had to leave in his spelling to truly appreciate this one.) "I likes huntin n fishin n pretty much anything in nature. I needs a women who can take care of hurself. Whos a hard worker and can take take care a hurself." Pick me! Pick me!

In spite of the frightening many, there are an intriguing few. So, tonight I attempted to instant message one. I mean, if I am going to give this an honest shot I have to at least try. I clicked on the "IM" button on Bachelor number 5's page. I wait, nervously, to see if he wants to chat with me. Ding! He does, he accepts. "HI!" I type. Shoot. I didn't mean it to be in all caps. Now it's like I'm screaming at him. Waiting for a response. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Me again: "Where in Oregon did you serve your mission?" Waiting. Fingers drumming. Waiting. Nothing. Hmmm. If he wasn't interested in chatting why did he accept the invitation? Me, yet again: "I grew up in Eugene and I wondered if you ever served there?" Is my pop up blocker on? No. Deep breath.  "I am also a dog person who has cats. When my children move out I may start sewing them little outfits." (I crack myself up.) I figure at this point he will respond or close his account. Nothing. Me (AGAIN! It's hard for me to get rejected enough.) "Are you trapped under something heavy? If not, is this some kind of experiment on the effects of the silent treatment during instant messaging? If it is please let me know how I did in comparison to the other participants. If not...Have a good night!" And I clicked off. They always say your first IM is the hardest.

Now is the time that you grab your significant other, gaze into his/her eyes and say, "I'm so glad we found each other." This should be followed by tightly clinging to one another, while you think of me....waiting alternately laughing and crying over my prospects.


Jill said...

Oh my, these online descriptions are frightening, yet I can picture the lucky lady who will jump at the chance to go huntin n fishin and take take care a hurself. Oh the horror!

You're a champ for trying!

Nee said...

you are such a fun writer/blogger. I love to read your stuff. Hope you have some more stories for us later on!!!!!

Shannon Thornton said...

Michelle! You are the best writer! Let's be honest with bachelor number 2...nobody really wants a peeping Tom. It doesn't sound like he wants a mate, rather a victim. I hope you keep these stories coming. If you do 'ibeGood2u':)

michelle said...

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! If nothing else, this certainly does make for some great blog fodder!