Tuesday, March 8, 2011

THANKFUL

I've been feeling exhausted. I don't know if it's depression, a virus or both. When I have a spare moment all I want to do is sleep. I've become a huge fan of the nap. Of course this morning I enjoyed a vigorous snow shoveling before work - assisted by my wonderful neighbor Cam. I think he had already done several driveways when he came over to help me. As I finished shoveling and headed off to work I turned on some music. An uplifting and fabulous CD thoughtfully given to me by Jill began to play. I felt a wave of gratitude.

Throughout this divorce process many friends ask, "What can I do?" "How can I help?" The answer quite frankly is...I have no idea. But what does help is the asking and what helps even more are the prayers. There is great comfort in knowing there are people out there that I can turn to...people who are ready and waiting to help me...as soon as I figure out what I need. When I have those days that I become burdened with thoughts of "How will I possibly make ends meet?" or "Will there ever be a man who could love me?" or general fear of the unknown I feel this gentle nudge back in to the realm of positive thinking. I believe those nudges come from the power of prayer on my behalf. There is nothing more touching to me than to think of someone praying for my well being.

I don't know how I will make ends meet, I don't know if, when I'm ready, there will be a man out there for me - BUT, I do know that the Lord has blessed me with an amazing family and incredible friends whose faith and kindness buoy me up everyday. I am so blessed.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

What I want to be when I grow up...

I have decided that I would like to be the person my book case represents. Is that realistic? Tonight I was attempting to write my 40th story and it was not going well. There was much deleting and backspacing and even a furrowed brow or two. I generally write whatever come into my head...disturbing, I know...and the thoughts were not coming out - not well, anyway. So, I decided to take out the garbage. (Stay with me...we'll get there.) As I took out the garbage I thought of the nasty old bathmat in the laundry room I had been meaning to throw away and headed down to get it. (Still with me?) On my way I passed by the bedroom that Bob and I once shared - now mostly empty except for some piles of books and many mating dust bunnies. I thought, "I really should vacuum and set up my sewing machine, so I can finish Kristen's costume for the play. But, I can't really vacuum because of all of the books." This made me think that I needed to put all of those books away, since I seem to have lost the ability to concentrate on reading anything. (If you are wondering about the point....it's coming...stay with me.) So, I took out the nasty bathmat and went downstairs to put away my books. As I was gently shoving them into the rickety, particle board bookcase, I began to read the spines:

Felting: The Complete Guide
30 Days to a More Powerful Vocabulary
I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better
Saying It Like It Is
Organization Made Easy

Why did these stand out? Because I have not cracked open any of them. Not a one. (If you gave me one of these books, please know that I love you....it's nothing personal....I'll read it eventually...I hope.) These are not the only unread books in my bookcase. I actually have 3 books on felting, but have never felted - is that correct terminology? If you have ever been to my house you know that organization has definitely not been made easy for me. Saying it like it is? Occasionally out loud, but mostly to myself. I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better has sadly been my approach to housekeeping and my vocabulary is as powerful as my non-functioning dishwasher.

According to my bookshelves I have found my perfect weight, lost it and found it again. (It's very elusive, my perfect weight, we haven't met in person for about 18 years.) I have not only treasured my garden, but I have solved all of it's problems all while excavating my authentic self. It's exhausting. More so if it were true. Merely having these books in the shelf - but never using them hasn't seemed to have caused any real difference in my life. It turns out I am going to have to actually do something. I am making some changes (besides the divorce). I am taking voice over classes...something I have always wanted to pursue AND I have applied to graduate school. But there are so many things I still want to do or to change...and I think I will get to them...as soon as I finish reading all of these books.